The Cake Topper Problem

by Genevieve Creedon

If you set aside the fact that I never wanted
to get married, you might understand my love
for cake toppers—not the black tux and white
dress kind, but the LEGO minifigures,
Monsters Inc. characters, Bert & Ernie varieties:
what would you be if you could be anything?

First, there was Pluto, the loyal companion
in the Mickey-Minnie threesome for the ages.
Then, the Care Bears—Funshine and Cheer Bear
were my favorites—but I preferred to think
of them as an inseparable ensemble of cloud-
hoppers. Smurfs, too, in the mushroom forest
seemed like collectives of clarity, taking on
the constant conundrums together.
Even the Ninja Turtles (I was Michelangelo
for Halloween for several years), skirting
the shadows and subterranean somewheres
of human life were more interesting
than any version of happily ever after.

How come those cake toppers only ever
feature two people? And how can you find
the one that is many? What cake flavor
conjures the cloudy forests of fantasyland?
If you set aside my love for cake toppers,
you might understand why I never
wanted to get married. Or be human.